Day 75 – Another trip to the emergency room

I got to see some of the friends I made three weeks ago, today (if I can call them friends).  When I got to the emergency room, I noticed that everything looks very different when you are not in pain and you just have to sit there and wait quietly for your turn. You get to see the faces clearly, the place is much scarier and the cases that come in and out… well, they are not so pleasant to the eye. The first nurse passes by; she looks at me, smiles, says hi and I can see from her face that she is wondering where does she know me from. The second nurse comes in and gives me a look, while saluting and starts running to her new case. I begin to feel like a movie star in the emergency room (hahaha) and I also got the feeling that the other patients, who are waiting as well, hate me a little, thinking that I have friends here. No, no friends, it’s just plain luck that tonight it’s the exact same shift as three weeks ago. I see the “morphine” nurse. She passes by quickly, then turns back and grabs my hand: “Are you ok?” I nod and explain the situation and she starts laughing: “Well in that case, no more morphine for you girl!”  I begin to look at the people around me: a five months pregnant woman who has a terrified look on her face and keeps rubbing...

spacer

Day 74 – Not a good day

I feel nothing. It’s like someone sat on my chest and pressed all the feelings away. But, that’s bullshit because I feel something. I am angry. I am angry with my body that keeps failing me again and again. I am angry at the doctors just because they know much more than they are saying. I am angry at the rules I have to obey to get by every day. I am angry that I have to wait to fulfill my dreams although I am ready now, yesterday. I am angry at my parents, because they didn’t know better. I am angry at some of my friends who are full of shit and pretend to be the best thing they ever happened to me. I am angry with myself because I lost a lot of time just dreaming and not doing, just talking and not acting, just understanding and not… and not what? I am bitter and I want nothing more than to enjoy my anger today and replace it  with some laughter and happiness tomorrow . Until then, over and out!

spacer

Day 73 – A story about nothing

What would a story about nothing sound like? Many, many years ago, I had to take a simple exam that would have assured me a very nice job. I was the best of the best and I had to take a written test and then have a final interview with two prestigious teachers. I was so confident, that I didn’t even bother to check my answers after the written exam and it turned out I was right: I did perfect. The next day, the day of the interview, I wasn’t nervous at all. I just went in and patiently waited my turn, having a huge smile on my face that said: “I got this!”. On the chair in front of me there was a small guy, about my age, that was biting his nails and whispering something to himself. I said hi to him although I knew it was between me and him; he was the enemy. After ten minutes they called us inside and our seats were next to each other while facing the two teachers. The room was a perfect square and the furniture included four chairs, a table between us and them, a huge library filled with heavy books and a giant clock on the wall in front of me. That clock was to become my nothing. First we had to introduce ourselves and I did a better job than the other guy, but the clock kept staring at me. The next step was a round of questions...

spacer

Day 72 – The kind of person I “used” to be

I seem to be a very different person than I was three years ago. That is not even a little bit true, but because I am more constrained by time and life priorities than back then, this seems to be the general opinion (even mine sometimes). Today, me and my better half took a ride down the memory lane and remembered one of my adventures. I had just moved to Florence and everything seemed to shape in a natural way: nice house, nice job, lots of free time and lots of Martini’s after work hours. After six months, I got a little home sick and just wanted to jump on a plane and spend at least two hours in my beautiful Bucharest. Of course you can’t do that if you have no reason at all so, I started spending all my free time, browsing the internet to find any kind of event that needed my attention and presence back home. I couldn’t find anything for a long time and a lot of Martini drinks until… my favorite band posted an announcement that they will be singing in a private club two weeks from that date. I was set and my plan was being forged; I waited for D to come home and informed him that I had to, I just had to go to that concert, that it could be my last chance to see them perform and a lot of nonsense reasons which I can’t even remember right...

spacer

Day 71 – Florence and I, hand in hand this weekend

This weekend I got to spend a lot of time downtown of Florence. I’ve missed that a lot; seeing the city, going out for coffee, meeting friends and working on my projects. It feels like everything is coming back to normal after a long time of misery. I love this city and I can’t imagine living anywhere else right now; I can’t say I will never leave it and I can never know what could pop out of the hat for us, but for now this city is a blessing for our lives, our art and our future. The buildings, the air, the possibilities and the culture here, makes me hope every day that there is a slight chance to succeed, that the Italian state won’t burry my ass in taxes and that at some point I can just relax and forget about paying rent and other “unnecessary” living expenses. I never say this, but ever since I am here, I started to actually want to finish my projects. I have always had stuff that I was writing on and small projects or books that I used to spend my time on, but I would never finish them. I have always gotten them to the finish line, but I was always afraid to cross that line; it was pointless. Florence gave me hope; I have no idea why, but it made me want to finish and go on, constantly whispering in my ear that nothing is in vain, that...

spacer

Day 70 – The recipe for the perfect love affair

Over the years a lot of my friends and people who’ve met me and D, asked what’s our secret? Why all this happiness after thirteen years of being together? Where does it come from? Aren’t we bored yet? I tried to think of an answer, but every time I came out blank, because there is no answer or advice or secret we could share. What I am going to do is try to compare relationships with cooking (you’ve read it right: cooking). Whenever you start cooking something you love, you try to find the best ingredients for it. You will find the same exact ingredients in other recipes too, but combined in very different ways or with different spices added. Anyway, let’s assume we all love chocolate cake (I actually know people who don’t like it). Let’s further assume that we all try out the same chocolate cake, cooked in the same way, from the same bakery. At some point we will want to go and bake our own chocolate cake, because we don’t want to settle with just a taste or a piece, we want the whole thing for ourselves. So, we ask for the recipe and try to reproduce it. But when we get home and all the ingredients are nicely placed in front of us, we will try to make it even better, to melt our taste buds in pleasure even more than the one from the bakery did. Some of us will add more cinnamon,...

spacer

Day 69 – Absolute solitude

The solitude in your head… that is your most precious friend and your worst enemy. You can have all your loved ones around you, family, friends, maybe children and the fortunate ones also have “the one”, but you are alone in your head and you will always be alone in there. There is no one who can tell for sure what highways or no ways are paved inside that thick skull and there are things that you don’t allow even to the dwarfs controlling your brain to see (big surprise, I believe dwarfs live in our heads). When the going gets tough, that solitude digs until it reaches your soul and it begins to play with your needs, your feelings, yourself. When the going gets wonderful, that solitude needs friends to share its joy and pride, but still it will enjoy a moment only for itself, to kiss its own metaphoric forehead. Your inner thoughts about situations, friends, people near you, behaviors, betrayals, love, are almost never the ones you share with the world around you. In fact, I think no one says the same thing to two different people if those people aren’t connected. The things you say to the family who raised you, will be slightly embellished than the raw ones you tell your lover for instance. The stuff you tell your friends will have a totally different shape than what you tell people you’ve just met. They will all feel as being the same, having the same meaning...

spacer

Day 68 – Planes being shot down, waking up from a coma after 69 years and eating popcorn while watching the enemy getting bombarded

Today I wondered what the world is doing, so I made the mistake of searching some fresh news on the internet. What I’ve found made me regret I ever clicked the news button. D is the one who usually tells me what’s going on in the world, but I have to admit I don’t pay attention all the time and if there are murders or politics involved, my ears just fold in like Dumbo’s and I stop listening. So, what is the world doing? Apparently the whole world has gone mad. I found out that a plane, flight 17 of Malaysia Airlines, was shot down by a surface-to-air missile over Ukraine. It was carrying 280 passengers plus 15 crew members, all dead. What the fuck is wrong with people, if I can call the ones responsible, people. Is it that you wake up in the morning and say: “Okay, today I am going to be the absolute villain; let’s see, what can I do? Oh, I know, I should kill a bunch of people today and to make it worth my while I should shoot down a plane full of innocent ones! Yes, this is the best idea I had all week.” I don’t get politics, I never did and I have to admit that although I love a good war story, for me that’s exactly what it is, a story, because I never could accept that people can be evil just because they can. Also I never understood the need...

spacer

Day 67 – Short women, the nightmare of the tall ones

It has always been like this: short women have always hated the advantages tall women have and vice versa. I, being in the latter category while growing up and becoming a woman, will of course talk about how great the short ones have it. I have always been too tall in my perspective (5f t8in) and I don’t know why, but all my female friends were 5ft 3in tall tops. Because I have practiced professional volleyball I have also encountered the really, ridiculously tall women and I admit I pitied them. I used to think if it’s hard for me, then it must be horrible for them. Let’s highlight just five reasons to why this phenomenon is happening and will keep happening: 1. When you are tall and teenager, you watch yourself in the mirror and think you are a freak. Your feet seem huge and every piece of clothing doesn’t fit exactly right; they are either for midgets or too large. If you want to act like a girl regarding wardrobe, then your luck is really over. You will look at all the other girls, the short ones and see their nice skirts and nice blouses and their 6 and 1/2 size shoes, in a perfect fit, drawing all the attention and the smiles; then you will look at yourself: yeah, your dress isn’t that horrible even if it’s for adults, but your shoes, oh your shoes, those are the ones who just curse your girliness away and show a perfect size...

spacer

Day 66 – “Friends” addict

I am a huge Friends addict (any self respecting freak should be), the American sitcom that lasted a decade and still is one of the most popular show ever created. Such a simple story with such a huge impact: six friends, struggling with life’s issues relying only on themselves, while becoming a family. They’ve got me through college, than coping with moving from city to city and making new friends, staying close to the ones I loved regarding the distance, breakups, falling in love again, pregnancy and now… Every time I reach the final episode, I feel like I need to start all over again and get to know them even better (if that’s possible). I even learned almost all the drawings made on the Magna Doodle on Joey’s door (I won’t go and admit that I am too familiar with the lines from my favorite episodes; that would really make me a freak right?) Anyway, last night I finished watching it again, for the ten thousand time, and I had the instant urge to reach out for the mouse and put on the first episode from the first season; just to see how much they’ve changed in ten years. I didn’t, because every time I do that, I start all over again, either because they are too funny, or because I pretend not to remember some scenes. I tried to do that with other shows I liked, but this one seems to be the only one I can watch forever. Maybe this...

spacer
Follow

Get every new post on this blog delivered to your Inbox.

Join other followers: