When the being whom you have created suffers, all these mixed feelings come and circle around you, but mostly helplessness stocks you and doesn’t let go until the suffering is gone.
As a mother, ever since my daughter was born, every time she is suffering from the smallest of things, I feel helpless and thus rage pays me a visit every time and I start building this huge pile of furious feelings that I can’t allow to get outside of me (I am not doing a very good job about keeping them in, but still). It feels like I’ve subscribed my soul to witness only her happiness and never her pain and that physically hurts. That is another strange feeling, the physical pain when she cries, when she is sad, when she is in pain. The most normal pain the world that we all feel as children, becomes the most severe one and it punches my brain, my stomach, my heart; maybe that’s why none of us remember the pains of our childhood and we start creating memories much later, so that our brain won’t frustrate our feelings with the pains which our body has gone through. Me and my better half are not used to a crying baby (you can see that clearly by reading here), or one who won’t eat, nor sleep, so the last five days were a little odd and confusing for us, but most of all the feeling of not being able to do anything about it, left me powerless and furious on my non existing skills as a human being to comfort my child.
They say as a mother you can become a super woman in times of need, but does anyone tell you that there are moments when you can also feel like a worm and all you can do is crawl and observe? Of course they don’t tell you that; no one wants to admit their weaknesses and as far as children are concern everyone wants to believe they are the best parents they can be and they are doing everything humanly possible, so anything but that said out loud is like a violation of the rules. While sitting and watching my daughter suffering and not being able to do much about it, I can’t help but wonder if there are any other parents out there willing to spill out their weaknesses and their feeling of helplessness facing their kid’s pain?