10.30 am. I need a smile today. I need the world to stop and concentrate only on giving me a smile. I don’t want any kind of smile, I need the quiet one that makes you float for a second.
1 pm. I still didn’t get my smile, but the house looks much nicer now and the lunch we had together almost seemed normal, with the pleasant conversation spiced with some pasta salad. Maybe after lunch I will indulge myself a pretend smile and fake the sensation.
4 pm. You can’t fake a feeling. Oh, but you can do anything with a little imagination and some lies. No, I can’t fake a real smile even if the house is quiet now and all I have to do is to lay back and stare at the ceiling. We killed to many mosquitoes this year, our ceiling looks bloody and depressed. What if I turn my head? The walls look the same, maybe even more bloody.
6 pm. The smile I wished for all day becomes a dream and I have no energy to run after it. I think it found a much nicer home and decided to stay there uninvited. Maybe the kind of smile I want doesn’t come when you ask it too. Maybe I will go out for a walk and I will stumble into it by mistake.
8 pm. D is making chocolate pancakes for dinner. Why don’t we have normal dinners like other people do? But if we did then all our pleasant felt weirdness won’t be the same. Chocolate pancakes. That used to make me smile.
9 pm. I am sitting in front of the keyboard trying to write about my only wish for the day. I am in Ephia’s bedroom while she watches cartoons in the other room and the house smells like a cake shop. I hear her little footsteps running towards the room and she comes right next to me, holding a piece of bread in her hands, looking at me and giving me the best smile I could have wished for. My mouth obeys and I join her into the mirage of a quiet, wonderful, one second feeling of pure happiness. She runs right back, out of the room, and doesn’t come back, as if that was the only thing she wanted to share with me. I got my wish and at the end of the day all I need it was chocolate pancakes and a smiling child.