Did I tell you that sometimes I feel like crawling into a hole and not come out of there for a long time? Did I tell you that when I feel like doing that, writing these daily thoughts are the hardest thing I have to do?
I am so tired! I am tired of feeling needy, tired of asking and not receiving, tired of feeling like I don’t belong or that I am not doing enough. Sometimes, I think that maybe in a year from now I will look back at this project and start reading the titles, the words, my life nicely packed in a daily blog diary and I will thank myself for doing this. How much optimism must one have until every little crumble of hope will crash or just pack up and leave? How much waiting, crawling, fighting, wanting does it take to convince yourself you are on the right path and you shouldn’t give up? How many more metaphorical knifes do you have to be stabbed with, for you to turn around and give it all up? Do we ever stop fighting? Do we ever stop wanting?
These are not my questions anymore, I already took yet another turn, one that will hide me from any answers for a while and will put a wall between me and the questions above. But, sometimes, when you take a turn, you can easily get lost and end up on the same street and in the same place you were a minute ago, feeling unsafe and needy again. Ambiguous enough for you? Well, ambiguity is usually the only way to spit up the truth and speak up your mind. Until tomorrow, let’s all breathe a little change and catch the shadow of a smile by the end of the day.