I don’t like deciding things. It’s one of my most awful nightmares. I don’t like deciding how and when to change houses, cars, furniture, pets, computers and so on. I get to attached to things. I name them, talk to them, tell them my life story trying in a way to make them welcome into my life and then I almost cry when I have to let them go. And you always have to let them go.
Whenever I am hit with a decisions of this kind I curl like a pretzel inside, knowing exactly what will happen. When I was growing up I changed more houses and neighborhoods than I can remember and after a while I just stopped helping with the moves. I would ask for the new address and go there whenever everything was ready and set. When moving and changing houses become my choice I still curled inside, I still tried to avoid it, I still couldn’t handle the pain. To understand better how severe my disease is, my pillows have names, inside my pillow I have a tiny crocodile that never leaves the pillowcase and hasn’t left it in 25 years now. If the crocodile is missing by chance, I can’t sleep and I freak out; every piece of furniture that belongs to me is special because in my opinion they hold a little piece of my history in them. You can imagine how freaked I was when I had to change countries and start all over again leaving almost everything behind (it took me six months to cope with the decision that was already decided).
Today I had to let go an objected that I’ve named. It wasn’t much but we built memories together, or better said I built memories with it. I’ve been told to never be sorry for the things I let go because they always come back to you in an even better form, but it’s not regret that kills me but the names I can’t let go, the images that go through my brain, the times we spent together. Oh yes, I am that screwed up that I actually remember the times I used to spend with mere objects. In the end everything can be replaced, everything can lose its meaning and purpose and it makes me wonder: are we as humans as easy to replace too?