Sunday morning, happiness, straying in bed until midday, laziness… no pain. Having fun, cruising along among dreams, loving feelings…no pain. Conversations, thoughts, writing…no pain. A play, actors, friends…no pain. Proudness, feelings, fun… no pain. Coffee, bragging, planning, no pain. Food, chocolate, smoking… no pain.
The way home, phone call, happiness… pain. Concentration, bus, ignoring… pain. Hope, trying, disappointment… pain. Pain… pain…pain…
Almost 90 days, if not more, of this project I have been in severe pain. When pain becomes part of your daily routine you don’t even feel sorry for yourself anymore, you just want it to end. You go through all the phases: ignoring the pain, despairing when facing it, trying to get it out of the way and finally respecting it. I have come to respect my pain. I acknowledge it hours before it takes over my body and I bow in front of it as a sign of respect.
There was a time, not longer than several hours ago, when I was foolish enough to think that the pain will never come back into my life again. Tonight, the pain waited for me to relax, to let down my guard and forget about its existence and took over. And it hit, with strokes so powerful that madness made its way into my thoughts falling into despair, falling into uncertainty… just falling apart.
Conclusion, disappointment, forgetfulness… pain… pain… pain.